I went to Lapland – and it reminded me a lot of the Australian outback, just with snow. In the Outback as in Lapland you drive through miles of nothing but nature, and only now and then you see two or three houses, then a place with 30 to 50 people, a supermarket, a petrol station and shops and tourist accommodations. And when more than 1,000 people live in one spot, it’s a city.
Both Lapplanders and Outbacker enjoy a clear night sky, possess firearms and want to be undisturbed by tourists – despite the fact that they benefit of many Asians who even buy the most stupid cheap souvenir, and from Europeans who buy the most expensive junk when it says: “handmade”.
In Australia, motorists must be careful of kangaroos jumping onto the street. In Lapland, there are reindeer standing on the asphalt, staring fascinated into the oncoming headlights. The consequences are the same: Either the driver brakes in time, or for dinner there will be fresh meat on the table – or one plate less.
In Australia, people drive their quads, in Lapland they have snowmobiles. In the outback you get sunburn, in Lapland frostbite, the Australian Outbacker you cannot understand, because they have such a heavy accent. Finns in Lapland you cannot understand because they don’t talk.
I met an Australian girl who worked in Lapland for six months on a husky farm: She told me, whenever her car gut stuck in the snow, she uses all her tricks which usually help her on the dust roads of Australia. Mostly it worked. Just once it didn’t. She had forgotten to turn on the four-wheel drive.
I always like to get to know people from different countries, like in my flat, where I live with a German, an Austrian, a French, a Chinese and a Japanase. We always have so much fun. Whenever some people „forget“ to clean their dishes after cooking, my German flatmate and me just begin to greet each other openly with „Sieg Heil“, just to show who is in charge – and the next morning the flat is as clean and sterile as a gas chamber. Making an obligatory nazi joke: Check.
– The Google Culture Carousel –
It’s always good to live with some foreign country experts. A few weeks ago thousands of French people had demonstrated against same-sex marriage. But this time, our Frenchman could not explain to me why his usually so tolerant people are so gay hating. So we asked Google.
When I typed in „why are french“, Google made some suggestions as to how my question could end: The first suggestion was „Why are french fries called french fries?“ and the second, „Why are french people so gay?“ Why greasy-fried fat-making potato strips were named after the thinnest country in Europe, whose citizens only eat cheese, baguettes, croissants and frogs cannot be said clearly. But why many people press the French in the popular gay picture is easy to explain: Red wine drinking vernissage visitors, whose meanest insults sound like love poems, appear to beer-drinking football fans who shout love poems only in the stadium, not very manly – what to many makes the demonstrations against gay marriage probably even more inexplicable.
Our house-Frenchman shrugged his shoulders, he has heard all of this often enough. But we grew addicted to the google culture carousel. So I typed in „Why are Germans …“ and expected the usual „so serious …“, „… on time“ or „humorless …“. But you know what it said? „… so cool“! I was extremely surprised. I wondered if my Google search results not only personalized, but also nationalized.
But perhaps German appear not as bad as I always thought. The other proposals were „so efficient“ and „so smart.“ Actually quite good, especially when compared to Japanese: Their first proposal is „so weird“. My roommate from Tokyo just laughed, took his marshmallow-like rice cracker, wrapped seaweed around it, pushed it into his mouth and chewed on it so we all could listen how good it tastes.
In the end we didn’t find out what cultural causes the anti-gay marriage demonstrations in France has, but we got to know where the most inexplicably beautiful women come from: On the entries „Why are polish / czech / croatian / romanian / hungarian / swedish / ukrainian / japanese / bulgarian“ Google again and again proposed:“ … women so beautiful. “ And most of the time, nothing else.
When I narrowed the question to men, some nations got proposals like „ugly“ and „rude“, other „attractive“ and „strong“. (Google it yourself if you want to know) However, only the French men received the title of „irresistible“. Of course, our Frenchman grinned stupidly when he heard that. But I didn’t care. Because I as a German don’t need to be jealous of such superficial crap. I’m way too cool for this.
If you wonder, what it says for Finnish. Well, it actually says, I am quoting: “Why are Finnish girls so easy.”
I won’t say anything on this topic, because I know how dangerous this is. Because I recently discovered: Finland is ruled by women!
– Who really rules Finland –
In the Finnish Parliament – by the way the first parliament in the world where women were allowed – resides a six-party coalition government, and there the women have the upper hand: 63 MPs are female, only 61 are male. And those are just the official figures: Because if a male parliamentarians votes against more parking spaces for women, he has to explain this to his wife at dinner: a decision between his democratic accountability and a night on the couch.
And then there are these high taxes. They actually benefit the – supposedly – weaker sex: Most women in work are employed by the state. Especially striking: Approximately three-fourths of all school teachers are female. These women enjoy not only a secure job, they can also infect the next generation with their Promamaganda.
This may sound like a crazy conspiracy theory, but that is precisely the tactic. You know, when men suppress women they always did it so glaringly obvious. Either they wrote down their ruler ship in morality books as the Bible or the Koran and thus establish the inferiority of the female sex as God-given – or they just beat the crap out of them. Women are more subtle. They simply smile at you, then they wink with their eyes a couple of times, comb their hair, pat your forearm and then „accidentally“ stroke your back – and suddenly the women quota is at 60 percent! And everybody is totally fine with it.
In many places, research and discourse have now succeeded places religion and violence – and thus eroded the last bastions of male dominance. We now even have to defend ourselves against the new matriarchat which women call “equality”. No really, who do you think would benefit most of Unisex toilets? I have never seen guys going on women’s toilets because some men just needed hours to take a fucking dump.
There is only one thing, we men can do to avoid being surpressed for the rest of our lives. When talking to a girl we should swallow our drool and really pay attention to what she is saying. When we do that, we won’t just nod to everything she tells us, but we would discuss – and hence build a regime of true equality. But for this plan to succeed, each and every man needs an unclouded mind which is not distracted by open smiles, beautiful eyes, short skirts or big bosoms.
Guys, we are fucked.
This text is compilation of three German columns I wrote which can be found here, here and here. For all columns (only in German) you can go to my facebook page, there is a new column posted every tuesday afternoon. You can as well follow me on twitter.